Tuesday, August 13, 2013

"Hole In The Soul"

My latest book! It has garnered 5-star reviews on Amazon. It is different, almost unclassifiable, but a reader said it was "A gritty ,contemporary, urban fantasy" If interested, it is available at: https://www.createspace.com/4175901 OR Amazon.com
If you enjoy reading it, please use your Amazon account to leave a review there. http://www.amazon.com/Hole-Soul-Collier-Todd-Hageman/dp/1482567636/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1393920605&sr=8-1&keywords=Hole+In+The+SOul

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Absentia by Collier Todd Hageman

My mind wanders back
Over all of the faces
My follies, their fates
And so many graces

Every one is a story
With tears and with laughter
Etched in my heart
Here ever after

The embraces, the silence
The taking, the giving
Losing and finding
All part of our living

Our peaks and our valleys
Our oceans, our shore
Sharing the journey
Now nevermore

All my denial
All our insistence
All of our closeness
All of our distance

Why we gave in
How we resisted
How hard the struggle
And how earned your rest is

When the party is over
And I knock on that door
The way will be brighter
Because they went before

This is my time

And I have loved

I am alive.

-- TH 5/8/2013

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

SKYFALL

11-11-12 Purists brace yourselves. SKYFALL is a very, very diferent type of James Bond film. Yet from the opening sequences to the last credit that rolled by, it is an immensely satisfying and hugely entertaining movie. Many are already denouncing it for it's dark tone and atypically downbeat ending, but these are two of the main things that make it the most gritty and emotionally-evocative chapter of the franchise. I've also read several negative comments on the "slow pace" of the first part. I failed to notice a slow pace in any of it's two and a half hour length. It's a nail-biter through and through. It's difficult to extoll upon it's virtues without spoiling it for those who haven't yet seen it, but suffice to say that it redeems the franchise from the morass where 'Quantum of Solace' left it, and elevates it above the lofty heights that 'Casino Royale' had once lifted it to. It features a more flawed and human James Bond, and reveals enough of his origin and childhood to show why and how he became such a tough, hard, and cold man. His journey 'back from the grave' to active service, delivers him into the midst of an operation to kill 'M', meticulously planned by Javier Bardem's oddly sexual super-villain Silva. That's right, his aim is not world domination, but the death of 'M'. That is only one of many things signifying the departure from the cookie-cutter scripts the franchise fell into early on. Dame Dench gets lots of much deserved screentime in this one, and for good reason. Ralph Fiennes is superb as a has-been special forces officer turned bureaucrat hostile to the very existence of Bond and MI6. To see him then man up and help their cause when the chips are down is one of SKYFALL's few rays of light. The Bond girls are more alluring, smarter, more dangerous, and more tragic than ever. Albert Finney, a genuine treasure of British cinema, shows up as an old retainer of the Bond family, and is a pleasure to watch. When he dispatches two assassins with blasts from his ancient double-barrel shotgun and snarls "Welcome ta Scotland!" the audience cheered! SPOILER ALERT: Daniel Craig utters the movies other great but totally unexpected line - "Why are you so sure it's my first time?" This is taken, literally and contextually, from the excellent but under-rated Clint Eastwood thriller "Tightrope". In short, it is not a typical Bond outing in either story or tone though the requisite elements - sex and violence and lush cinematography are all there, Bond is tougher than ever but is far from bulletproof and far from unflappable, and all is not well in merry old England in the end. BUT - this movie is an utterly successful reboot of the series and while Daniel Craig remains as the most visually unlikely 007 ever, he does become James Bond in this movie. Worth the price of admission and every second spent in the seat.

Monday, July 16, 2012

On FaceBook --

You are welcome to send me a Facebook friend request! I generally approve all real requests, but will unfriend anyone violating the only 2 rules I have: No hate speech. No threats. Other than that, have at it! We do some fun stuff such as: our famous Caption Contest, a cryptozoological challenge (identify the odd creature), and lots of puns. I have an eclectic, spirited, and interesting bunch of friends that you may enjoy interacting with. I am the Todd Hageman residing in Ames Iowa.
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Monday, March 28, 2011

Friday, September 3, 2010

Buy The Ticket, Take The Ride by Collier Todd Hageman 08-03-10

“Remember Raoul!,”went up the scream
From Rio to Aspen, and points in between
On one hand was Loathing, on the other was Fear
Our constant companions, year after year
Behind all the mud and the blood and the beer
He lived what he said ‘til the day that he died
If you buy the ticket, you take the ride

A candle too bright, a heartache too keen
A warning shot aimed at the American Dream
A thorn in the side of the moral majority
The Gonzo, the cynic, the vocal minority
Like Leary he told us to question authority
Like him or not he took his stand
Whatever he was he was his own man

So once in awhile, when sleepless at night
Remember the one who fought the good fight
And wrote to make us laugh and to think
Who faced down convention and didn’t blink
Whose humanity not his madness drove to the brink
And know that he was both the best and the worst
But whatever we dreamed he’d been there first

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Click on this title to see the Biggest Story Never Told.

The astute and well-informed will spot some faults and inaccuracies in this clip, but it is a well-produced and well-documented conspiracy expose', and true or not, it is very interesting. All interested in UFO's should view this.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

In Betweener by Collier Todd Hageman

Too old for Generation X, too young to be Boomers,
We were In-Betweeners, heir to ugly rumors.
Intellect a-plenty but still we missed the cut,
Because our minds were lost in space until they rusted shut.
No one to look up to, no heroes for our time.
The oval office lied to us, the gridiron didn't shine.
The Establishment was monstrous, and hippies a joke.
Eighteen to drink, but don't take a toke.
Thrift was a virtue, but money was dirty.
Too young to vote, can't trust over thirty.
When Dr. Hoffman discovered a light,
Leary, Minzer, and Alpert, said it was right,
Huxley, Cassaday, and Kesey, gave it away,
But did us no kindess, that mind-bending day.
When everything is melting, on what do you lean?
Merrily, merrily, Merry Pranksters, life ain't just a dream.
We'd never buy the status quo once we'd walked that edge.
We balanced there upon the brink but backed down from the ledge.
Still the sun rose, birds sang, fields waved,
But wasn't there more from cradle to grave?
We sought relevance in ports of call beyond the farthest field.
When those dreams battered us denial was our shield.
Through bar-rooms, backrooms, alleyways,
We searched for clarity while in a haze.
Surviving brawls, lockups, breakups, beatings,
Pipe-dreams, bottle flu, paranoia, lack of meaning,
Loneliness, pointlessness, fatigue, misdirection,
Disillusionment, foreboding, and flat-out rejection.
Adamantly maintaining we were tough, free, and strong,
And found fleeting beauty between heartache and wrong.
Frustrated, some of us donned uniforms, joined a band of brothers.
Trained long and hard to shed the blood of those who'd shed our mother's.
Tropic suns and salt air made our thick skins peel,
While we cursed and laughed and worked, and fought, and drank until we reeled.
We shouted, made a universal noise: "We still live and here we stand!"
"Bowed but still unbroken, though our blood is on the sand."
And then that far-off home, once boring and colorless,
Seemed so fine we ached for it, but that we'd not confess.
After laying down our rifles and again our lives we owned,
We stayed away because of pride, though once a week we phoned.
We ventured then to stride along the halls of higher learning.
We'd heard this was the path to life, and more important, earning,
Then were rudely disillusioned when the world did not come calling.
It cost a lot but mattered not, a life just begun was stalling.
A sheepskin is no cushion when from the heights you fall,
Or run confused from normal life and run into a wall.
The grey-haired heads of academe taught us facts and numbers,
But not how to have a life, or dreams outside our slumbers.
We were all a little anxious to find a special someone.
We didn't know the words to love songs, but sometimes we could hum one.
We settled in and settled down when it no longer mattered,
Dissolution? Never. But those quaint dreams were shattered.
The sounds of little feet and little children's laughter
Gave a hint of what we'd known and still were chasing after.
The pharmacist became the new distributor of sanity,
And on we went to toil away in apathy and vanity,
There was no joy in Muddville, but also no calamity.
A week per annum for the illusion that "now By God we're making it".
We buy the trinkets and send the cards to prove that we're not faking it.
Every now and then the chuchbell rings and off we have to go,
To mark another ending, be it friend or foe.
We dab our eyes, shake the hands, quote the proper homilies,
Offer up our deep concern while hoping its an anomaly,
Because we fear deep in our hearts a fate that we have earned,
When next those funeral bells sound out that it will be our turn.
A lawn so green, a car so clean,
A football cheer, a weekend beer,
A billion bright computer screens at night year after year,
Connect us, entertain us,
Inform us, isolate us,
Make us cry, make us shout,
Inflame our lust, incite our doubt.
Now we really DO turn on, tune in, drop out.
We carry phones everywhere so we can stay in touch
Because our words are vital and they matter oh so much
But instead of bringing us together they distance us from others.
I can't take the time to drop on by, I'll just call my brothers.
The lessons learned, the bridges burned,
The paths not taken, the hearts left achin',
The God we scorned, the virtue mourned,
The times we cried, the ways we died,
The battles fought, the grace we sought,
The burdens carried, the friends we've buried,
The walls we build, the dreams we killed,
The bliss we tasted, the fortunes wasted,
The home not found, the extra pound,
The truths not told, the growing old.
Our fathers tried to tell us but they didn't know our minds.
They didn't speak our language and they couldn't read our signs.
They had fought the good fight, came home to golden times.
So outward always seeking but never there to find
The happiness we'd heard about, hidden in our minds.
We searched for it in others, or in a drink, a song, a place.
We moaned and cried and tossed and turned, and blamed the human race.
Elusive, reclusive, simple, complex.
I can't pray right now Lord, but I'll send a text.
Dreamed about, fought for,
Lusted after, hated for.
Argued over, lamented,
Cried over, re-invented.
It's where you find it, thats what they said,
So damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead,
Not so much hell-bound, more like hell-bent,
And the harder we looked the faster we went.
So when we had exhausted our faith,
And wasted ourselves chasing a wraith,
Simple truth finally lit the dark night,
To win that long battle you give up the fight,
And that happiness comes not from pursuing pleasure,
But from right living, and giving full measure,
Of those simple things that once we treasured:
Your time, love, attention, fair play,
Friendship, kindness, kid stuff you say?
Learning, sharing, giving your best,
Concern, respect, offering rest.
These things we'd always scorned as too simple,
In the end answer that maddening riddle.
So let in the light, take your heart off the shelf,
Unlock the doors and shake hands with yourself.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

A Brief and Untold Story.

From my friend Charlie Morton, a decorated Army man and Vietnam Veteran. A little-known story from the Pentagon - 09/11/2001

A chaplain told me what happened at a daycare center near the impact site. There were a lot of kids, including infants in cribs, in the daycare and the staff was overwhelmed with the magnitude and urgency of evacuating them. The fire was raging nearby and there was no time to bundle them all into carriers and strollers.
Just then a young Marine ran into the center and asked what they needed. After hearing what the center director was trying to do, he sprinted off and disappeared. The director thought,'we're on our own.'
2 minutes later he returned with 40 Marines. They piled children into cribs and wheeled them out of the center, and when those were all full they picked kids up and carried them, 2 and 3 at a time. Between the Marines and the staff they got all the children out of the Pentagon to a park 3/4 mi. away near the Potomac River. The Marines formed a circle with the cribs, which were quite sturdy and heavy, like the covered wagons in the Old West. Inside this circle of cribs they put the toddlers to keep them from wandering off. Outside this circle the Marines formed a perimeter and there they remained until the parents could be notified and come get their children.
The chaplain said, "I don't think this was on any of the news stories of the day. The thought of those men and what they did and how fast they reacted - then again, they're Marines. Would we expect less from them?"

Remember Reagan's great compliment: "Most of us wonder if our lives made any difference. Marines don't have that problem."

(My note: Men and women who's duty takes them into life-threatening situations come to regard life as very dear. Hence the seemingly incongruous instances of heavily armed soldiers stopping to aid a small child or feed a kitten. Marines are parents too. Semper Fi. -- Todd)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Holes.

A father had a little boy who he loved very much, but who had a poor temper and sometimes acted rashly. One day he gave his son some nails and told him that when he lost his temper to go hammer a nail into their fence. The first day that fence received 22 nails. As the boy learned to control his anger the number of nails hammered into the fence daily decreased. He discovered that it was easier to control his temper than to drive the nails. The day came when he didn't pound any nails at all. His father then told him to pull one out each day he held his temper. Weeks passed and finally the boy announced that all the nails were gone. The father said, "Well done! But, now take a look at the holes. That fence will never be the same. If you put a knife in a man and draw it out, it doesn't matter if you apologize. The wound remains."

My note: At times I've been hurtful. Not thinking things through can cause this. Also fear. Sometimes it's occurred when I've tried to be funny at someone's expense. Other times it's happened when I actually wanted to help and was too direct. Please forgive me if I've ever left a hole.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

CMH Awardee Ed Freeman

Facts confirmed by my friend Jennifer Hoyer, but the author is anonymous.

11-14-65. A 19 yr old, critically wounded, dying in the jungle in La Drang Valley, LZ X-ray, Vietnam . The unit is outnumbered 8 - 1, and enemy fire so heavy that the C.O. ordered Medevac helicopters away. Lying there listening to enemy guns he knew he wasn’t getting out. His family was 12,000 miles away, and he’d never see them again. His world started to fade out and he knew this was the day. Then over the noise of battle, he faintly heard a helo and he opened his eyes to see an UNARMED Huey with no Medevac markings on it land nearby. A guardian angel had come for him. Ed Freeman wasn’t Medevac, so when the Medevacs were ordered not to come he flew his Huey into hot LZ’s to ferry out wounded. It wasn’t his job, but he did it anyway. He sat there in the machine gun fire as they loaded that young man and 3 others on board, then he flew up and out through the gunfire, to the forward medical units, and he kept going back - 13 more times. That day alone Ed took about 30 wounded out who never would have gotten out otherwise.

Medal of Honor Recipient, Ed Freeman, died last Wednesday (07-01-09) at the age of 80 in Boise, Idaho. God bless him.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Click here to hear Callie Cardamon sing jazz standards. Outstanding.

She also has a cd of original songs called "Time and the Weather" that garnered much critical praise. Also very worth listening to.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Hunter S. Thompson Gonzo Quotes

A word to the wise is infuriating.
Hunter S. Thompson

We're a nation of two hundred million salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
Hunter S. Thompson

Buy the ticket, take the ride.
Hunter S. Thompson

Trust in God, but row away from the rocks.
Hunter S. Thompson

For every selfish moment of triumph many souls are trampled.
Hunter S. Thompson

Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole life-style a Crime in Progress is not a happy prospect.
Hunter S. Thompson

I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes.
Hunter S. Thompson

I have a theory that truth is not told during the nine-to-five hours.
Hunter S. Thompson

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson

If I'd written all the truth I knew for the past ten years, about 600 people - including me - would be rotting in prison cells from Rio to Seattle today. Absolute truth is a very rare and dangerous commodity in the context of professional journalism.
Hunter S. Thompson

If you're going to be crazy you have to get paid for it or you're going to get locked up.
Hunter S. Thompson

In a society where everybody's guilty the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves the only final sin is stupidity.
Hunter S. Thompson

The Law of the Sea: Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that we enter the food chain, and not at the top.
Hunter S. Thompson

No man is so foolish but that he might sometimes give good counsel, and no man is so wise that he does not err if he never takes counsel save his own. He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master.
Hunter S. Thompson

Politics is just the art of controlling your environment.
Hunter S. Thompson

There is no honest way to explain the Edge, because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over it.
Hunter S. Thompson

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. Then there's the negative side.
Hunter S. Thompson

There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of a binge.
Hunter S. Thompson

When the going gets weird the weird turn pro.
Hunter S. Thompson

It still hasn't gotten weird enough for me.
Hunter S. Thompson

You better take care of me Lord. If you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.
Hunter S. Thompson

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Ultimate in Both Darwinism AND Irony.

At the annual awards dinner of the American Academy of Forensic Science, Dr. Don H. Mills astounded his audience with this story of a bizarre death:
A medical examiner concluded Ronald Opus died from a shotgun wound to the head. He'd attempted suicide by jumping from the top of a 10 story building, leaving a note to that effect, but was killed by a shotgun blast from a 9th floor window as he fell.
He was obviously unaware of the newly installed construction safety net at the
8th flr. level. His body, bearing the fatal wound but otherwise unscathed, was retrieved from this net with some difficulty.
"Usually," Dr. Mills said, "a person who dies in a suicide attempt, though the method isn't what was intended, is still defined as committing suicide. But since Mr. Opus was fatally shot before dying during the attempt, and as he wouldn't have succeeded due to the net, the med. examiner and investigators initially regarded the case a homicide."
The 9th floor apt. was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he threatened her with the shotgun, but when he pulled the trigger he missed her and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
"When one attempts to kill A but instead kills B, one is still guilty of murder, but the man AND his wife were adamant that they both thought the shotgun was unloaded. It was his long-standing habit to threaten her with the unloaded shotgun, but he never intended to actually shoot her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus was labeled an accident, though 2 of the investigators lobbied for a charge of manslaughter, as the death resulted from a criminal act (threatening someone with a firearm)."
"THEN it got complicated." Dr. Mills paused for some water as assorted sounds of wonder rippled through the crowd. Once it abated he continued.
"The couple had a son and investigators discovered a witness to the fact that he'd loaded the shotgun 6 weeks prior. The old lady had cut off his financial support and knowing his father often threatened her with the shotgun, he'd loaded it, expecting his father to shoot her. So the case reverted to one of murder, on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus."
"Now for the exquisite twist." Again the crowd was astonished as they pondered further complications.
"Further investigation found that the son WAS Ronald Opus. He'd grown depressed over failing to cause his mother's death, leading him to jump off the building, only to be killed by the shotgun blast. The son had actually murdered himself. It was accidental death, murder, manslaughter, AND suicide. Due to the anguish Mr. Opus's parents had already suffered, the medical examiner and lead investigator decided on suicide and closed the books."

Submitted by: Sandra Culp - Associated Press

To quote another famous story-teller: "Now you know the REST of the story!" -- Todd

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Things I Have Learned --

Life ain't fair. And it's not supposed to be.

People are mirrors. They reflect back what you show them.

Don't take advice from someone more screwed up than you are.

I'm the maker of my destiny. I'm the only one that can make my life be how I want it to be, and if I do this no one can take it away. This is always a work in progress.

Growth occurs in two ways, through love or through pain.

You and everyone else will always fall short of perfection. To expect it is to guarantee failure.

You have the right to be mad. You don't have the right to be cruel.

People essentially want only two things in life: To love and to be loved.

Never enter a situation in which you have no options. These are known as traps.

Time spent with your kids is not wasted.

You can't become who you want to be by staying the way you are.

When someone says: "The reality is -- ", it means: "What I want you to believe is -- ", and seldom has to do with reality.

Don't complain about getting older. It beats the alternative.

When the pain of not doing it outweighs the pain of doing it, you'll do it.

Protect your eyes. You get ONE pair.

A good life doesn't come from doing what's fun, but from living right. Living right often means doing what is NOT fun.

Love is a wonderful and powerful thing, but all by itself it is not enough.

Friends may come and go. Enemies are forever.

Give blood.

You don't get to choose your family but you do get to choose your friends. Choose wisely.

A parent's most difficult and important job is to raise their children to not need them.

Get the best-fitting shoes you can.

A smile is the easiest and quickest way to make yourself attractive.

Use sweet words. They go down easier when you have to eat them.

Buckle up.

Don't waste breath arguing with a fool or a drunk.

Loving someone is easy. Living with someone is hard.

Suffering cures shallowness.

NEVER take diuretics and sleeping meds at the same time.

Time speeds up as you get older.

You can't outrun radio.

Talk to old folks. It's astounding what they've experienced and what you'll learn from them.

Learn to cook.

Anger is a form of fear.

Manners are the oil of society.

Helping others helps you.

Dance.

Kindness is its own reward.

The Golden Rule is never inappropriate.

Never make fun of others less fortunate. You will come to regret it.

Your parents get smarter as you age.

Don't wear a white swimsuit.

It's better to be quiet and let people wonder if you're ignorant than to speak and remove all doubt.

Invest in a good suit. Weddings and funerals are inevitable.

Don't destroy anyone's dreams and don't let anyone destroy your's.

There is good reason why you have two ears but only one mouth.

There is a big difference between being honest and being brutally honest. One is honesty, the other is brutality.

Things are almost never black or white. Life comes mostly in shades of gray.

My ability to affect other people, places, and things is almost nil, but I can affect my response to them.

Don't try to bathe a cat.

When your life is in the pits quit digging.

If you lend someone money and never see them again it was a good investment.

If you have two good arms and legs, you're blessed. Just ask someone who doesn't.

We judge ourselves based on our intentions, but everyone else judges us based on our actions.

Second chances don't come around very often. If you get one grab it with both hands and hang on for all you're worth.

The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge.

The happiness in my life depends on the quality of my thoughts.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

"Hair analysis is an accurate means of determining one's exposure to heavy metal." -- William Walsh. Chief Scientist, Health Research Institute.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Great Images. Click to enlarge.

How I imagined the God Tree when I wrote "Heroes Of Legend".

Pith Helmet.

U.N. Troops were treated like peons by the villagers.

Look, then look again . . . .










A brilliant picture! Startling, funny, interesting, and pretty creepy all at the same time. The little sign on the mirror says: "Schizophrenia can be treated. Seek help."

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Heroes Of Legend by Collier Todd Hageman

A shameless bit of self-promotion:

I wrote a book! It is called Heroes Of Legend and is a fantasy-adventure novella. It is out of print now but last I knew you could still get a copy on Amazon. It received some decent reviews and comments by readers (some of which can be read on Amazon). While Tolkien would have nothing to worry about from my writing, reviewers almost universally thought it was interesting and a fun read. It is suitable for anyone from young teen on up who enjoys a good fantasy yarn. Thats what it is really, a yarn. I've never maintained that I'm a great writer, but I am a good storyteller. So please give it a read. I welcome comments. Currently a sequel is in the works. It is entitled The Queen of Thieves and as much fun as "Heroes -- " is I believe this one will be a better story.

I am also compiling much of the knowledge and experience I gleaned from several years as a personal trainer into a training manual entitled "The Power Cycle". It is not lengthy and is a practical and easy to follow guide for anyone interested in increasing their strength. It also contains several anecdotes and fascinating bits of strength history and stories of many legendary strong men.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Jokes and Other Things That Tickle My Funnybone.

There's Nothing Like a Good Pun! (and some would say that this is nothing like one).

Ghandi, the great spiritual leader of India, was a vegetarian. The lack of protein in his diet caused him to be quite skinny and frail, and because he would use no leather or other animal products, he went without shoes, causing him to develop extraordinarily thick calluses on his feet. His dietary habits also led him to develop virulent bad breath. Of course you know what this made him, don't you?

A super-callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis!

(Badum-dum!)
______________________________________

The Ultimate 'Should've Seen It Coming' Joke.

A guy living in a highrise stuck his hand out the window one evening to determine if it was raining and amazingly a glass eye fell right into his hand!
Dumbfounded, he sticks his head out and looks up to see a lady leaning out a window directly above him three floors.

"Thank goodness you caught that!" she calls to him. "They're very expensive!"

"Well -- I'll come right up and return it to you," he calls back up to her.

Since she is directly above him he knows exactly where to go so he just goes up three floors and knocks on her door. A very pretty lady with one eye scrunched shut answers the door.

"Thanks so much! My homeowners insurance wouldn't cover this." She pops it back in and grins at him.

"Well . . you're welcome," he mutters and turns to leave.

"Wait!" she says. "Just thanking you isn't enough. Please let me take you to dinner."

She is extremely attractive and seems very nice so of course he accepts. They go out, have a great meal, share a bottle of wine, great conversation, and really enjoy themselves.
They live in the same building so naturally they come home together and like a gentleman he walks her to her door and thanks her for a great evening.

"I don't think dinner is enough," she tells him. "Why don't you just stay here with me tonight?"

Though he thinks she's very sexy he's a bit taken aback by this.

"My gosh! Don't get me wrong -- you're a wonderful girl! But are you this forward with every man you meet?" he asks.

"No," she replies. "Just the ones that catch my eye!"


D'OH!!!
______________________________________

A fella walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables wrapped around his neck.

The bartender eyes him warily then tells him, "Okay buddy I'll serve ya,but don't try to start anything."
_______________________________________

A man tells his psychiatrist, "Doc, I just can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass of Home". What could it be?!"

The shrink replies, "Simple. You have Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Well that's an awfully quick diagnosis . . . . Is it common?"

"It's Not Unusual."
_______________________________________

Same guy (poor fella!) goes back to his psychiatrist with another mysterious ailment.

"Doc, sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, sometimes I think I'm a teepee. A wigwam, a teepee! A wigwam, a teepee! Whats the matter with me?!"

But again, the shrink knew the problem. "You're just too tense."

(2 tents)
_______________________________________

Two Eskimo's were in a boat fishing and got cold so they lit a small fire. Of course it burned a hole in the hull and the boat sank, thus proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
_______________________________________

The other day I was at the meat counter and struck up a conversation with the butcher, a towering man. I said "You're a tall guy but I'll bet you $100 you can't reach the beef up there on the highest shelf."

He turned to look but after considering it for a moment he shook his head. "Nope. The steaks are too high".
_______________________________________

A beaver waddles into a bar, hops up on a stool and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
_______________________________________

A penguin, an elephant, a midget, a rabbi, a priest, and a nun walk into a bar.

The bartender takes one look and says, "All right, what is this? Some kind of a joke?"

_______________________________________