Jokes and Other Things That Tickle My Funnybone.

There's Nothing Like a Good Pun! (and some would say that this is nothing like one).

Ghandi, the great spiritual leader of India, was a vegetarian. The lack of protein in his diet caused him to be quite skinny and frail, and because he would use no leather or other animal products, he went without shoes, causing him to develop extraordinarily thick calluses on his feet. His dietary habits also led him to develop virulent bad breath. Of course you know what this made him, don't you?

A super-callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis!

(Badum-dum!)
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The Ultimate 'Should've Seen It Coming' Joke.

A guy living in a highrise stuck his hand out the window one evening to determine if it was raining and amazingly a glass eye fell right into his hand!
Dumbfounded, he sticks his head out and looks up to see a lady leaning out a window directly above him three floors.

"Thank goodness you caught that!" she calls to him. "They're very expensive!"

"Well -- I'll come right up and return it to you," he calls back up to her.

Since she is directly above him he knows exactly where to go so he just goes up three floors and knocks on her door. A very pretty lady with one eye scrunched shut answers the door.

"Thanks so much! My homeowners insurance wouldn't cover this." She pops it back in and grins at him.

"Well . . you're welcome," he mutters and turns to leave.

"Wait!" she says. "Just thanking you isn't enough. Please let me take you to dinner."

She is extremely attractive and seems very nice so of course he accepts. They go out, have a great meal, share a bottle of wine, great conversation, and really enjoy themselves.
They live in the same building so naturally they come home together and like a gentleman he walks her to her door and thanks her for a great evening.

"I don't think dinner is enough," she tells him. "Why don't you just stay here with me tonight?"

Though he thinks she's very sexy he's a bit taken aback by this.

"My gosh! Don't get me wrong -- you're a wonderful girl! But are you this forward with every man you meet?" he asks.

"No," she replies. "Just the ones that catch my eye!"


D'OH!!!
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A fella walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables wrapped around his neck.

The bartender eyes him warily then tells him, "Okay buddy I'll serve ya,but don't try to start anything."
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A man tells his psychiatrist, "Doc, I just can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass of Home". What could it be?!"

The shrink replies, "Simple. You have Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Well that's an awfully quick diagnosis . . . . Is it common?"

"It's Not Unusual."
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Same guy (poor fella!) goes back to his psychiatrist with another mysterious ailment.

"Doc, sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, sometimes I think I'm a teepee. A wigwam, a teepee! A wigwam, a teepee! Whats the matter with me?!"

But again, the shrink knew the problem. "You're just too tense."

(2 tents)
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Two Eskimo's were in a boat fishing and got cold so they lit a small fire. Of course it burned a hole in the hull and the boat sank, thus proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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The other day I was at the meat counter and struck up a conversation with the butcher, a towering man. I said "You're a tall guy but I'll bet you $100 you can't reach the beef up there on the highest shelf."

He turned to look but after considering it for a moment he shook his head. "Nope. The steaks are too high".
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A beaver waddles into a bar, hops up on a stool and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
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A penguin, an elephant, a midget, a rabbi, a priest, and a nun walk into a bar.

The bartender takes one look and says, "All right, what is this? Some kind of a joke?"

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